Old 97s - I Don't Know what christmas is (but christmastime is here) Lyrics

Out on the third planet closest to the sun
There's a special celebration
And it sounds quite fun
A jolly old fellow brings toys to everyone
On a holiday they call Christmas
Now I'm not gonna lie
It makes no sense to me
But here's what Earthlings told me
About this Christmas mystery

One, two, three four!

Santa is a furry freak
With epic super powers
He flies to every human home
In under fourteen hours
He's a master burglar
A pro at picking locks
If you don't leave milk and cookies out
He will put dung in your socks

If you act nicely through the night
And don't jump on your bed
Santa comes with sugar plums
And hurls them at your head
But if you're on his naughty list
He shoots missiles at your toes
He might roast your chestnuts
With his powerful flamethrower

Rein, rein, rein, rein, rein!
Deer, deer, deer, deer, deer!
I don't know what Christmas is
But Christmastime is here!

He's compelled his creepy elves
To do his every wish
One sought to be a dentist
Now he's sleeping with the fish
Mrs. Claus, she works the pole
Plans her man's demise
Soon the elves will all rise up
And stab out Santa's eyes!

Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho!
Earthlings are so weird!
I don't know what Christmas is
But Christmastime is here!

Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho
Earthlings are so weird
I don't know what Christmas is
But Christmastime is here!

What the heck's a turtle dove
And who lit up that deer?
I don't know what Christmas is
But Christmastime is here!
I don't know what Christmas is
But Christmastime is here!

Or maybe it's there
Or it's somewhere
I don't know