Dr. Cox, J.D., Patti, The Janitor - The Rant Song Lyrics

Patti:
Dr. Cox, I'm not crazy!

Dr. Cox:
Am I still singing?

Patti:
Singing like a bird.

J.D.:
Dr. Cox, huge news! I pulled some strings, and got the parking spot right behind yours! Bumper Buddies.

Dr. Cox:
Still, you're not nearly as bad as her. Do you know how much you annoy me? The answer is a lot. Should I list the reasons
why? Well I don't see why not.

Its your hair, your nose, your chinless face, you always need a hug. Not to mention all the manly appletinis that you chug.
That you think I am your mentor just continues to perplex. And oh my god, stop telling me when you have nerdy sex!

J.D. (spoken):
Oh, by the way, last time Kim was in town we got some appletinis and poured 'em on our good parts.

Dr. Cox:
See now, Newbie, that's the thing that you do that drives me up a tree, 'Cause no matter how I rant to you, you never let
me be. So I'm stuck with all your daydreaming and your wish to be my son. It makes me suicidal and I'm not the only one, no,
I'm not the only one.

The Janitor:
It all started with a penny in the door. There was a hatred I had never felt before. So now I'll make him pay, each and
every day. Until that mousse-haired little nuisance is no more.

Dr. Cox:
So now that is why I call you names like Carol, Jane, and Sue. Like Moesha, Kim, and Lillian, Suzanne and Betty-Lou. See,
regardless of the names I pick, my feelings are quite clear. You're a pain in every day of every month of every year!

Patti:
Dr. Cox, you gotta help me 'cause I really am distressed. Can't you find another option, won't you run another test?

Dr. Cox:
If you want some kind of favor, really any kind of favor, please just get me peace and quiet from this god-forsaken pest.

J.D.(spoken):
I think what my Bumper Buddy is trying to say...

Patti:
Shut your cakehole, Mary Beth, or I swear to God I'll shut it soon.

Dr. Cox:
Congratulations, we'll schedule your test this afternoon.

[Thanks to jvahsholtz for correcting these lyrics]