A Call from the Vatican Lyrics
I was lazing around my bedroom
When an idea occurred to me
I thought you might be wondering about,
(NOTE. In the Broadway production, this was a subtly sugges
tive, highly acrobatic number. Without leaving the vicinity
of her box, Carla gracefully twisted herself into a variety
of positions, and at one point even sang while upside down.)
Who’s not wearing any clothes? I’m not!
Who’s afraid to kiss your toes? I’m not!
Your mama dear is blowing into your ear,
So you’ll get it loud and clear,
I need you to squeeze me here ...
And here ...
And here ...
Guido seems in pain.
Luisa Is something wrong?
Guido What? Oh, I’m not sure. It’s about my film.
It’s from the Vatican. Go ahead, Monsignor.
Carla Cootchie, cootchie, cootchie coo.
I’ve got a plan for what I’m gonna do to you,
So hot you’re gonna steam, and scream,
And vibrate like a string I’m plucking –
Kiss your fevered little brow,
Pinch your cheeks till you say “Ow,”
And i can hardly wait to show you how, Guido
Who won’t care if you come to me tired and overworked?
I won’t! Bambino,
Who knows a therapy to beat what you can get from me?
But this will have to be enough for now, Guido, Ciao.
(speaking) I love you, Guido.
Luisa (noticing that Guido seems stunned) Guido...
You’ve handled the Vatican before.
Guido The Vatican? ... Oh yes, the Vatican! But before,
the Vatican didn’t attack until I’d finished a film!
What is it about me that the Church doesn’t like? What, what?
Luisa Guido, calm down. When are you supposed to start shooting?
Guido What’s today?
Guido Friday. No, I mean really, this is no joke.
The crew arrives tomorrow.
We’re supposed to start building the sets, the props- what sets, what props?
You know something?
If I don’t come up with a very good idea very quick, my career is finished, done for, kaput!
(An idea strikes.) A Western!
(Guido, joined by Little Guido, tries out a Western motif with his “orchestra”)
Luisa Well, you’re in a lot of trouble!
Guido That’s not what I needed you to say!
Luisa What would you like me to say?
Guido Say, “Guido,, you’ve been in situations just as tough as this before!”
Luisa Guido, you’ve been in situations just as tough as this before!.
Guido Really! And how did I get out of them?
Luisa What’s my next line?
Guido I don’t know.
Luisa I don’t either.
Guido Oh my God! (Another idea strikes.) A Bible epic!
(He and Little Guido try out a Bible motif with the “or chestra”)
“Go forth unto that mountain, and there you will find an Academy Award!”
Luisa What’d you say that made her/him offer you this contract?
Guido I can’t remember. A documentary? (He decides to give that a try.) A documentary!
Guido’s Orchestra Kumbasa,,.0 Guido, Kulanumbaye!
Luisa (She, of course, does not see the orchestra.) You know what I think?
Guido (coming out of it) What?
Luisa I think you should take the day off.
Guido Luisa, I can’t! At this rate, in four days they’ll shoot me!
Luisa Guido, no one’s going to shoot you. What you need is to relax.
I know how you work.
The ideas have to come of their own accord.
Guido What if they don’t?
Guido Oh yes. Here’s one.
How about a film dealing with the last days of a director’s once: glorious career?
It takes place in a spa. At the end he shoots himself.
Luisa There you are! Flow simple.
Guido Oh my God!
Luisa Guido, we came here to relax. Trust nee. (softer, seductive tone)
I’ve ordered a picnic lunch.
Guido You’ve what?
Luisa Olives. Prosciutto. Some cool white wine.
Guido (touched) Luisa!
Luisa And I’ve rented a gondola for the day.
It’s enclosed in the’ middle; With drapes on the windows.
thought we’d just kind of... drift around... see what comes up.
Guido (clearly turned on by her) Oh, Luisa!
What would I do without you?
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