Dirty Rotten Scoundrels Soundtrack Lyrics
Ruffhousin' Mit Shuffhausen Lyrics
I understand you are completely
numb from the waist down, is that
No feeling whatsoever?
Mmhmm. That's right.
I see. So...
This little pggy says-
And this little piggy, the same?
I suppose that it's futile
To wiggle or doodle
Or jiggle this piggle
Well, ain't that a shame.
And this one?
And this one.
(Freddy shakes his head.)
So, that's the entire contingent
We'll have to try something a little
(He pulls a pussy willow branch
from a vase and whips it through
Trust me, Fraulein, I am a doctor.
When I was youg and I was cute
And I was in the Institute,
They banged it in us like a drum,
The Corpus Hippocraticum.
So just before you graduate
You raise your hand
And stand up straight
And everybody has to wuoth
That zippy Hippy-cratic Oath.
You swear to God to heal the sick
But do no damage-that's the trick,
Even if you have to lop a leg
Or God forbig, an arm.
If it's the best, go crack a cheat
Or slice 'em open like a wurst
Do no harm.
(He wacks Freddy on the legs
with the pussy willow)
A medical professional,
Before he starts a session'll
Be sure to pause and clear his head
And think on what Old Hippo siad-
A real mnsch with lots of heart
Bestowed on us this noble art
And let me tell you, that ain't eas-y
In three-hundred and eighty B.C.
Defend the weak and mend the ill,
Prescribe a pill then send a bill-
For many years the system has
Been working like a charm
But you must recollect
With great respect
Hippocrates and what he versed-
That's lovely my boy.
But Doctor, this seems so cruel.
On the contrary, Fraulein, Sergeant
Benson would be the happiest man
on earth if he could feel any pain-
Let's all yodel!
I said yodel!
The Corpus Hippocraticum
Like bats out of the attic-come
Like popes out of the Vati-come
Like nylon sheets with static come
Like jockeys from the paddock come
Or fishsticks from the haddock come
Or you psychosomatc come to me
(He suddenly turns and exits. Freddy
breathes a sig of relief.)
Well, I guess that's that
(Lawrence runs back in brandishing
the pussy willow and gives him the
biggest WHACK yet.)
I look at him, the sorry face
I know I have to take this case-
It's who I am, it's what I do-
If you were me, you'd haev to too.
If I were him or I were you
I'd look at me and like the view
For here I am and here we go
Hippocrates would wish it so.
This man intrigues me, I will take
Sergeant Benson on as my patient.
Doctor, look! He's so happy he's
crying! Do you really think you can
have him walking again?
Walking? I'll have him running,
jumping, shouting, shrieking. Or my
(Punctually each word with a whack
on Fredy's legs:)
(And just for good measure:)