It's a beautiful day for the race.
Stu Chan is the favourite today,
Assault is in there,
Dog Bisquit is three to one,
Safety Pin has been scratched,
and at twenty to one: Feitlebaum.
Now the horses are approaching the starting gate,
THERE THEY GOOOOOO!
And it's Stu Chan going to the front,
Cabbage is second on the rail,
Beautiful Linda is third by a length,
Around the first turn
Stu Chan is still in front,
Cabbage is second by a head (Cabbage by a head!),
Beautiful Linda is third and Feitlebaum.
Into the back stretch,
Dog Bisquit is now leading the pack,
Lady Avalon is second, very close.
Banana is coming up through the bunch
(Banana coming up through the bunch!)
At the half Stu Chan still out in the front,
Apartment House is second with plenty of room,
Assault is passing Battery (Assault and Battery!),
Notary Sojack is fourth,
and in last place by ten lengths I believe it is, yes,
it is Feitlebaum.
Around the turn,
heading for home,
it's Stu Chan and Dog Bisquit and Girdle in the stretch.
Flying Sylvester is third and Mother-In-Law nagging in the rear
(Oh! Oh! Oh!).
And now they come down to the wire,
and it's number one and now number two
and it's very close,
it'll either be a photo finish or an oil painting,
and now Louis speaks with the left,
and Louis is in there,
and it's a battle,
and now they are tearing hair,
there's hair all over the ring,
there's hair all over the place,
I don't know whose hair it is.
AND THERE GOES THE WINNERRRRRRRRR!
And the winner is ... (sotto voce) Feitlebaum!
[Thanks to danshein for correcting these lyrics]