Christmas Dragnet Lyrics
This is the season.
My name's Wednesday.
partner's Frank Jones.
The Chief's name is Captain Kellogg.
the 24th, Christmas Eve.
They brought in a guy named 'Grudge'.
heard what they booked him on, my blood ran cold.
It was a 4096325- 096704:
not believing in Santa Claus.
I was working the holiday
watch out of homicide with Frank.
"Hang up your stocking yet,
"Yeah, just before I come down. You too Frank?"
Hung it up early just in case I have'ta work late tonight.
miss out on when Santa Claus comes you know. "
"Sure wouldn't, be a
"Whatcha gonna do tomorrow, Joe?
Whatcha gonna do on
Christmas, got any plans?"
"Why don't you come by
the house Joe?
We're gonna have Christmas dinner.
You know, all the
turkey, celery stuffing, oysters maybe.
Chestnuts, all the
trimmings, you know.
Cranberry sauce, love'ta have ya.
The Missus always
fixes a plate of relish
with them little carrot sticks.
You know, olives,
Most people call them green onions, but they're really
Did you ever notice that Joe?"
"How most people call them green onions but they're really
"Anytime after two, Joe. Love ta
"Uh-huh. Well I'll see."
"Love ta have
"Uh-huh. Well, I'll see."
"Love ta have ya."
Well, I'll see."
"Missus always fixes a plate of relish with them little
You know - olives, pickles, scallions."
not go through that again."
"Go through what, Joe?"
people call them green onions but they're really scallions."
noticed that too, huh Joe?"
uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh."
"'s matter Joe? 's matter
"Bringing a guy in on a 409635-096704:
guy don't believe in
scallions, I mean Santa Claus."
We questioned the guy didn't
believe in Santa Claus.
Guy named Grudge.
"Says here you're name's
Grudge, that right?"
"Says here you didn't believe in
Hard to believe what you said, did you really say
"Sure I said it. How do you know there's a Santa Claus?
a picture of him?"
"No, no mug shots."
"Uh-uh, no latent prints. I just know, that's all.
saying there's no Easter bunny."
"That's another guy there ain't no
"What's your story, Mister?"
"Joe, he just said that to make
me feel bad, didn't he?
There really is an Easter bunny, isn't there
"Listen Grudge, didn't I pick you up three years ago
on a 1492;
for not believing in Columbus?"
"Yeah! I don't believe in Cleveland or
"How about Toledo?"
"I ain't made up my mind
yet about Toledo."
"O.K. Mister. I get the picture now.
believe in nothin' - do ya?"
"Nothin'! And you wanna know somethin'
"I'm gonna get up and walk right out of this
'cause you guys ain't got nothin' on me.
There ain't no law against
not believin' in Santa Claus."
"There is in my book. Let me tell you
I'm gonna prove there's a Santa Claus if it takes me
"Huh! Pretty funny. The police department's got
"Let me straighten you out buddy; this one's on
Frank and me,
"There really is an Easter bunny, isn't
You know, hippity hopping down the bunny trail?"
Grudge over to the helicopter.
Got in, flew around the city for
I showed him department stores.
"What's hurryin' in and out of
those department stores, Grudge?"
"Happy people, but I ain't
I showed him stockings.
"How are those stockings hung,
"By the chimney with care; but I didn't hang none up."
showed him children nestled all snug in their beds.
"What's dancing in their
"Visions of sugar plums, but you ain't sellin'
There ain't no Santa Claus."
He still didn't believe.
only one thing left to do.
My job? Get to the North Pole.
I set the plane
down, we walked over to
Santy's workshop, rang the bell.
Can I ask you a few questions?"
"Why sure. Just tickle me to
"What do you do for a living?"
"What are you doing at the North Pole
with a southern
"Well, the boss sorta ran short of help
this year, so he had
to recruit a few of
us Brownies from the South Pole."
"What a waste of time!"
"Could we talk to your boss,
"Oh, he's out. You would have to come on
the one night he's
out on the whole year."
"What's your particular job, Mr.
"My boss has eight tiny reindeer. My job - feed
"Yes sir. What do 'ya feed 'em?"
"Well, most times I fix up
a little plate of relish:
olives, pickles and them little carrot
You know, them little ol' carrot
"Most folks call them
green onions, but
they're really scallions."
"How do you
"Just a stab in the dark."
The little man showed us through
"My boss'll be back for a second load pretty soon.
would you all like to hear an interestin' story?"
you see that HUGE pile of presents over there?"
look at all that stuff."
"Would you believe it?
They're all for the
Been pilin' up here, year after year."
"Why didn't they guy
ever get 'em?"
"'Cause he didn't believe in my
You know the rules."
"Uh-huh. We know."
"I don't suppose
that there's no chance
that this guy can still ...?"
presents? Oh sure.
He gets them all the minute he believes.
But I don't
suppose he ever will."
"Too bad about that guy.
"Don't say it. I don't want to hear it."
"Come on, Mr.
What's his name?"
"His name? Grudge."
The Brownie saw
us to the door.
Wished us a Merry Christmas.
We were heading back to the
when it happened.
that guy I said I didn't believe in?"
"You think I'm too old to change my
"You're never too old, Mr. Grudge."
"Well then, I-I believe
in Santy Claus.
"How about Cincinatti.
And the Easter Bunny?"
"Yeah, them too."
"I-I still ain't made up my mind about Toledo."
Grudge. Up in the sky.
He's coming back for the second load."
Santy Claus! It's Santy Claus!"
"There's the only guy I know can
everybody happy in one night."
"Yeah. He must have the biggest
in the whole world."
"Yeah. That's about the size of it!"